The world, according to Dominic.

It’s Fashion week on The Transbrothers!
In this video, I talk about (and show you) my fashion from the past and present!
I had so much fun making it, so I hope you enjoy it! =D

Personal channel:
http://youtube.com/xtwoofheartsx

My other collab channel:
http://youtube.com/ftmtelevision

My tumblr:
http://dominic-scaia.tumblr.com

Hi mom,
Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you til now.. but I wanted to let you know your card arrived first thing monday morning. Fast eh?! Thank you so much =)
Thanks also for the photos. The boys are so grown up.. it’s insane. I miss them quite terribly.

Christmas is a rough time of year for me. I miss you guys so much it hurts.  It’s the only time of year I really drink. Just to get through it.
I wish I didn’t have to be alone. I don’t feel like I have a family.
I often wish I could just be someone you approve of, so that I can be a part of it.
But to be that person you see me as, I’d be miserable.. and I probably wouldn’t want to be alive.

Being this person I am living as now, I am the most stable I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t hurt myself anymore.. I haven’t touched drugs in 5 years.. I stopped lying and overcompensating completely.. I haven’t tried to kill myself in a long time.. I stopped hurting people.. and many of my other bad habits stopped as well. I wasn’t a good person back then.. but now, I’m a genuinely good person, and I can actually say I’m proud of who I’ve become. I just wish you could be proud of me too. I understand that there’s a conflict of interest, and I do understand why. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.. you know? It hurts to have your parents not be proud of you. It hurts to have your siblings not want to have anything to do with you. It hurts that the one thing that has made me happy has driven you all away.. and it hurts that I can’t do anything about it.
All I can do is live my life and try to build my own family out of friends and people I’ve met along the way. I have four pseudo-moms, a street dad, several “brothers” and “sisters”.. but it’s just not the same. They’re not my real family.. and no matter how many times they call me “son” or “brother”, it doesn’t replace or change the fact that you guys never will.
I’m beyond the days of getting mad that you call me by my birth name, refer to me in female pronouns, and send me cards that say “daughter” on them. I’ve come to terms with the fact that you never will see me or accept me as anything else.. I’ve accepted it.. but it will never stop hurting me.
I just want you to know I wish so much that I could be the person you all want me to be. Then I wouldn’t have to be alone. Then you’d be proud of me. I’d have a family again.

This is not a choice I’ve made.. because if I had the choice, you can bet I never would have gone down this road. Losing my family was a risk I had to take in order to be happy. It’s a risk all people who transition take. Among all the many other risks. We would never choose this life if we didn’t have to. No one wants to be discriminated against or at risk for being the victim of a hate crime.. no one wants to lose family, friends, jobs, places to live, or basic human rights (in canada, the rights of transgender people are not protected). But it becomes a choice between, “okay, do I want to end up taking my life..” or “do I want to be happy but possibly risk losing everything that’s important to me?”
Most of the time, life is more appealing than death.. and for me, I just wanted to live my life and be happy and do all the things I had dreamed of doing and achieving all the things I wanted to achieve.
So I did what I had to, to feel like I was finally being ME.
Nobody put the idea in my head or convinced me this is who I was.. and I didn’t do this for attention (obviously.. it’s been over 5 years now) and I certainly didn’t do this to hurt anyone, especially not you.
I’m not trying to persuade you to accept me or anything, because I know that none of what I say could change anything. I just wanted you to know why I transitioned, why I’m living as this person.
I may have explained all this to you before.. I’m not sure. Maybe not with this much clarity or objectivity.. and this time I didn’t bother going into the medical aspect of it or explaining the “what”, as there is no need for it. I’m not trying to convince you of anything anymore, and all it would do is make you uncomfortable.
I just felt the need to go into the “why” now, for some reason, as well as how losing my family as a result of it, affects me.
I actually intended to write a couple of lines saying thank you for the card, and then press send.. so much for that.. heh. Verbal diarrhea. I’m a writer. I guess it happens.

Anyway, I know that with regards to this person I am living as, things between you, the rest of the family, and I, will probably never change.. but that doesn’t stop me from hoping.
Because I miss my family. As dysfunctional as our relationship has pretty much always been, I’ve always wanted to be part of the family, and have always longed for your approval and acceptance.. and every holiday I spend alone, I never fail to think of all of you and wish I was there. Wish I was with my family around the christmas tree. Or eating turkey. Anything, really.
I just don’t want to feel like an orphan anymore.
I’m still here.. I’m still the same person.. my body may be a bit different and I may go by a different name.. but I promise I’m still your child. Still your blood. That will never change.
I love you, and I hope you’re doing well.

- D